Reckless Pizza Guy
Reckless Pizza Guy 'is the fifty-ninth prank call in the Crotchety Old Man Calls series. Transcript ''(ringback tone) 'Young Man: '(partially bleeped) Domino's Pizza. 'Milton: '''D'oh! Thank God you've answered! Let me speak to the craphead manager! '''Young Man: '''This is the manager. You don't have to speak to me like that- '''Milton: '''I saw your ad in the paper for a pizza delivery driver and I'm coming down right now to take the job! As a condition of my parole, I must be employed by 6:00 this evening, so I'm coming over right now! I'm in the car! I'll be there in just a few minutes! ''(Milton honks his horn at the car in front of him) '''Milton: '''Get the hell out of the way! Hey! Jackass! Get the hell out of the way or I'll smash you! '''Young Man: '''Hey man! Calm down! What's your driving record like? '''Milton: '''Well, I've got a problem with the driving record. Do you require a DMV transcript? '''Young Man: '''Definitely. '''Milton: '''Well, I figure it's about time that I'm up front and honest so we can start this relationship off on a good foot! '''Young Man: '''Why don't we do this over the phone? Why don't you read me...some of the problems that you got and I'll see if you're qualified? '''Milton: '''Well...right now, I have a suspended driver's license for three DUI's! '''Young Man: '''Can't argue with that. I have a license. '''Milton: '''Well-well, that's not it. Why don't you grab a piece of paper and a pencil and write this stuff down? '''Young Man: ''(in background) All right... '''Milton: '''All right, I've got three DUI's... '''Young Man: '(to co-worker) ''Mike, we got a guy on the phone that wants to apply for a driver. He's got three DUI's. ''(to Milton) ''Go ahead, sorry. '''Milton: '''I've got two hundred unpaid parking and speeding tickets... '''Young Man: '(laughs) ''We're not gonna hire you, but go ahead. '''Milton: '''Also, I have several reckless driving tickets, and a- '''Young Man: '(to co-worker) ''Reckless driving record, three DUI's! '''Milton: '''But that's not the worst of it! I have a felony hit-and-run after bashing my car through a chruch picnic and dragging a nun under my car for three miles! '''Young Man: '''You dragged a nun under your car for three miles? '''Milton: '''Yes! That was vehicular homicide, but all those days of road rage are behind me! ''(Milton honking horn at car in front of him) Milton: 'Hey! You son of a bi-! Get out of the way! Move that piece of crap! What kind of a moron are you! That's it! I'm gonna ram you! ''(Milton steps on the gas and crashes into car in front of him) '''Young Man: '''Hey, calm down, man! '''Milton: ''(yelling) Ramming car in front of me; he won't get out of the way! ''(Milton continues ramming his car into car in front of him) Milton: 'Get out of the way! ''(Milton honks horn) 'Milton: '''GET...OUT...OF...THE...WAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!! '''Young Man: '''What, are you on drugs, man? Are you all right? '''Milton: '''Oh, that brings up a good point! Do I have to take a drug test? '''Young Man: '''Uh...yes, you do. '''Milton: '''No! There's no drug test! I will pass on that one! You'll have to wean the drug test for this particular employment application! '''Young Man: '''Sounds like you're on drugs right now! '''Milton: '''Oh! Really funny! You think you're a stinking comedian-! ''(Milton honks horn again) 'Milton: '''Get out of the way! I got another moron-! Get out of the way, you jackass! Get out of the...that's it, I'm gonna sideswipe you! ''(Milton crashes into car) '''Milton: ''(yelling)'' Young Man: ''(to co-worker) Now he's sideswiping the car open! '''Milton: '''How do you like your fancy smancy BMW now, you loser?! ''(Milton honks horn again) Milton: 'Get out of the way! GET...OUT...OF...THE...WAY!!! I can get the pizzas there in thirty minutes or less! '''Young Man: '''Listen, you're not gonna be delivering pizzas for us... ''(police sirens go off) '''Milton: '''Oh crap! I got the cops behind me now! Oh my God! I'm being chased by the cops! Can you hear the police sirens? '''Young Man: '''Yeah! '''Milton: '''I feel like I'm in '''World's Scariest Police Chases 6! Hold on! Gotta shake the cops! Young Man: ''(to co-worker) Now he's getting chased by the cops! ''(Milton flees from the police) 'Milton: '''Gotta put the pedal to the metal! ''(tires screeching) 'Milton: '''Okay! I lost the cops! I'm coming down there right now to apply for the job! I'm gonna be delivering pizzas in fifteen minutes for you! '''Young Man: '''If you come down here, I'm gonna call the police as soon as you get here. '''Milton: '''Oh! Are you threatening me? Listen here, minimum wage pizza boy! I'm gonna come down there and jam three pepperoni pizzas up your-! ''(manager hangs up) (ringback tone) '''Milton: '''Hey, pizza putz! Hello? Hello! Category:Prank calls